Beautiful: Underwater Alice in Wonderland.
Underwater photography by Elena Kalis.
Unravel
Free me of self created bondage
Release me from my own mind cage
How am I supposed to feel
When I deal my own hand again and again?
Stacked my own stupid deck
Against myself and all odds
Self destructive, long fuse, big boom
Not enough room for love
Give me some gloom to trudge through
Then I’ll be content to resent myself
Hell is a place on earth that you find
When you have no home, a cold heart
and a weary mind
Trying to escape myself all the time
I just want to run and simultaneously
Rip every hair from my head
Insanity. Lock me away, make me stay
Forever never “ever after” waste away
Pull my heart string to a fray
Til I unravel away.
sacred memories just for me
ones that you will never see
ties that bind we leave behind
but never lay to rest
in my mind I know this time
this sweet sad invitation is a test
nostalgia played in a time of doubt
pangs and throngs in the throes of regret
songs of a life I’ll never forget
wanting so much and having so little to show
life and death, rise and fall, ebb and flow,
I keep feeling homesick for a home I don’t own
lost and alone though I’ve got my own
it’s like my soul agreed to more
like a fish out of water lost, gasping unsure
I would hope I get to go home this time
when my time is up
but part of me can’t help but want just one more
do-over.
Sometimes I just want to give up….
it seems so much easier…I don’t even have words right now to express how I am feeling, I just knew I needed to hide in my little tumblr corner and write. My friggen kid has not slept in almost a year now. I’m starting to wonder if he or I will ever sleep. If his father would just work on more of a routine with him while I home schooled our oldest it would be much easier…but he’s a first time daddy and he wants to stuff him full of food every time he yells and let him get up all hours of the night and nap like 3 times a day. I’m living back with my in laws now and i’m afraid I will lose my mind at a very rapid pace. I have no friends in this area, no family that lives close and all I want is just to spend some time with someone that I can have fun with, without any children or boyfriends involved. I just want some time to myself and it feels like I will never, ever have that. Our new room has a gaping hole in the wall and mouse shit all over the carpet. Our old home was beautiful but we couldn’t afford it anymore because my health issues put me out of work, then the next job I got was a huge crock of shit. I just wish I could have my own home, my own food, my own resources..I wish I could actually enjoy my family. Living with the stress of money and other life problems makes it friggen impossible. This is probably the least eloquent thing I’ve ever written but it all just needs to come out….I just feel like burying my head in the sand and giving up…I don’t want to try anymore. I just want to sleep….beautiful delicious sleep. Why can’t I just make music and art and be with my family? Why the FUCK does society do this to everyone? Life is supposed to be a beautiful gift, not a wretched curse. I feel like my baby loves his father so much that he really dislikes me. I hate this feeling. I just want to explode. I feel like nothing will ever change..I’m the only one that wants anything to change ever and it just never will if no one else wants things to change too..we’ll scrape by in our hum drum sorta way just half assing everything instead of trying to make ourselves better human beings. Scraping, scraping, scraping by. Fuck it…fuck it all…I need to get outta this place, and fast.
Reminds me of waiting in the wings at many a recital ! Such a sweet pic <3
Concours du Conservatoire de Paris, 1948
Dear Tumblr, it’s been a long time!!!
Hello to my followers, new and old! Sorry for not posting in such a long time, life is changing fast! I’ve been working on publishing a book on amazon.com for download and for kindle! All that’s left is a final edit and the book should be published by the end of this weekend! It’s a book of my poetry, prose and rants from ages 15-20 (so written 8-13 years ago)…but a lot of thought provoking, introspective stuff, political rants that still ring true today-It will be titled “What is this voice inside my mind; is it me, or is it mine?” Which is kind of a retort to the fairly inaccurate statement “I think therefore I am” I’ll be making this available for download through amazon and kindle direct for only .99!! If you choose to buy a copy, and enjoy it, I hope that you will pass along the info to others! :) Thanks my beautiful friends for being a constant source of inspiration for me! ♥
